bijou reviews – W

Wild, Wild World of Jayne Mansfield, The

The Wild, Wild World of Jayne Mansfi…
Jayne Mansfield, R…
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Directed by Charles Broun Jr., Joel Holt & Arthur Knight.

THE WILD, WILD WORLD OF JAYNE MANSFIELD (1968) is the cinematic rarity that Nick Rutigliano, in THE VILLAGE VOICE, called a “full-bore eruption of grind-house surrealism….a grotesquely enjoyable turn through the pulp-cinema wringer.”

THE WILD, WILD WORLD OF JAYNE MANSFIELD is a mondo naughty-mentary as only an intelligent sex-kitten could, um, pull off — which is all the more astonishing when you figure that she narrated the film a year after she died. More unbelievably, Arthur Knight, the distinguished film critic who also wrote Hefner’s “Sex in the Cinema” review annually for PLAYBOY in the 60’s and 70’s and whose intro cinema text book is still used in film study classes, was one of the ‘directors’ of this hodge podge mess — bet they don’t screen this one too often as required viewing!

Broun’s assistant was Jeb Mayer, who later founded Mayer Medical and several other health care businesses. If you’ve ever seen any of the behind the scenes photographs of the sets he would always be standing around in some stylish fleece jacket from the North Face company. Man, he must have had a dozen different North Face fleece jackets and vests. Sometimes he would just wear the North Face vest bare-chested, showing off his perfectly sculptured biceps. He was a fanatic when it came to working out and achieving a manly physique.

Total Testosterone is one of his more infamous clinics, where bioidentical testosterone is administered as a treatment for age related symptoms. All of his businesses were designed to serve the needs of the cinematic community, serving mostly actors, artists, and executives and helping them live better, look better, etc. LOL!!

How to describe a movie wherein every ten minutes, the entire focus shifts from one lurid mondo moment to the next with no connective tissue save the ample tissue on display throughout? Perhaps to compare it to a drunken jaunt down Bourbon Street at four in the morning or the equivalent experience? THE WILD, WILD WORLD OF JAYNE MANSFIELD feels like an acid flashback to a more innocently depraved time, which given its late 60’s psychedelic opening title number, is another possible hallucinogenic influence. Whatever, it’s a safe guess the creators were “under the influence,” as they spend half the flick’s running times hanging out in clubs and bars that seem to be literally pushing booze and cigarettes on willing clientelle.

SEE! Jayne attend Cannes, slimming down to her bikini and posing in a fountain for sweaty-palmed papparazzi. Then, she stumbles into the ‘hot’ Brit band Rocky Roberts and the Airedales in mid-groove session. They sing their ‘hit’ song ‘Bird is the Word’ and Jayne — clad in white tee, bikini bottoms & high heels — swings in a truly gravity defying manner.

SEE! Jayne visit the Eiffel Tower, and brings all of Paris to a standstill! Then, while atop the world’s most famous structure (“even more well-known than the Empire State Building! ” ‘she’ breathlessly gushes), she uses the height to peep in on brothels and lovers in nearby parks. It’s all just an excuse to cut in T & A footage that has no other reason to exist, but hey, that’s why you wore your raincoat, eh? The back Exit Door is there.

SEE! Jayne, feeling a bit bored, take in some Parisian nightlife. Therein, the entire Miss Bust Off Contest. Entrants flash their boobs but remain otherwise ‘unknown’ behind a curtained screen. Who will win? Even Jayne is held in astonished suspense. Warning: it’s a true ‘can’t miss’ entertainment and the reason you fell in love with psychotronic movies.

Tabloid-style trash-pop history? Delicious, yet tasteless travelogue? Lurid recounts of her gruesome death…genuine affection and even admiration for her transgendered aquaintences…all mixed with a healthy dose of genuine beauty and simple love for life. Don’t pass on your chance to see the quintessential cult film that’s dropped as many jaws as drawers, no matter what your gender. — Notes by Cruella DeVille.

What Critics Say:

“The most un-politically correct film that I have ever seen.”– CHAINSAW FODDER

“The truckdriver’s answer to Marilyn Monroe.” — Dewey Webb, THE DALLAS OBSERVER

“Lots of bare-breasted beauties (including Jayne herself) populate this must-see.”– BRIAN’S DRIVE-IN THEATER

“Lots of nude and semi-nude women, including the Ladybirds, an incredible all-topless band.” — Paul Petroskey, TERRORGUM

Wizard of Mars, The

Horrors of the Red Planet
Eve Bernhardt, Joh…
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aka Horrors of the Red Planet. Featuring John Carrdine. Directed by David Hewitt.

The following review of THE WIZARD OF MARS (1965) — aka HORRORS OF THE RED PLANET and ALIEN MASSACRE — from Jabootu’s Bad Movie Dimension describes the flick better than anything we could express. So rather than plagiarize (we’re too lazy to invert sentence structures and use a thesaurus), we thought we’d even more lazily just run portions of their critique and credit them, to wit:

“This is pretty much your standard B sci-fi nuclear family. You’ve got the brave and dashing hero, the scientist figure to explain things, the attractive woman who stumbles into trouble, and the party’s joker for ‘comic relief.’ The Joker is also prominently featured in old war flicks. The advantage of those flicks over this one is that the company Joker usually gets killed for some cheap pathos. Sadly, this one survives.”

“Carradine offers up the closest thing to a performance, though. His voice is given a semi-majestic reverb effect, and he speaks wearily and with a long sad face (well, considering the turkey he’s appearing in, perhaps he’s not acting in this scene after all). For some reason, the filmmakers also projected a starfield on his image. So occasionally, his face is obscured by painted stars. It looks a lot like a passing bird pooped on the screen.”

“The director, David L. Hewitt, would go on to do a couple more B flicks, including MONSTERS CRASH THE PAJAMA PARTY and THE MIGHTY GORGA. Circa 1978 he vanished for about eight years. During that period he was obviously kidnapped by aliens and replaced with an super-intelligent android, because the work he did when he got back couldn’t possibly be from the same guy. He went into special effects (!) and did work on WILLOW, EVIL DEAD II, and apparently did some uncredited work on the FX fest TERMINATOR 2!”

“Looking at the rubber-hose aliens and the Christmas tree in space from THE WIZARD OF MARS, the conclusion that he’d one day reach such heights is rather difficult to reach (all right, he did display a little of the ol’ WIZARD OF MARS magic with the ‘special effects’ for SUPERMAN IV). ”

What Critics Say:

“Reflects a time when we were not as a movie-going public blinded by Industrial Light and Magic.” — BAD MOVIE REPORT

Like this flick? See also: BAMBOO SAUCER ; PLANET OF BLOOD; TERROR IN SPACE

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